I’m backed up at airport security, 5:50am, trying to figure out which line might be faster and how to combine everything that needs to be scanned into the fewest groupings possible.
I realise the flight I’m on is through the international terminal (even though it’s a domestic flight). Damn, this means I can’t take my water through. I pull out my bottle and try and down all the water in between hoisting my pack up and down for each minuscule advancement in the queue.
Just one more big gulp, Jay.
Okay, now there’s just a little bit left, finish it next hoist.
I spot my flight on the departures list. “Boarding Now”. I probably shouldn’t make a bathroom break, but I think I have time to fill up my water bottle.
I find my seat on the plane. Window seat. Two gentlemen between me and the aisle. That’s fine, I’ll bring my water bottle and kindle and maybe do some reading on the plane. You can worry about pee later, Jay, just take a seat – you’re blocking the walkway.
The plane starts up and my cough worsens. Don’t panic, Jay, just drink some water to wet your throat. Focus on slowing this cough and don’t worry about your bladder, this is more important. You don’t want to be kicked off the plane for being a disturbance do you?
The plane has stabilised. Right, why isn’t the seat belt sign off yet? I’d really like to go to the toilet. Oh look, they’re serving some biscuits and a drink. But the seat belt sign is still on! How come you guys are allowed to take yours off and walk around?
Seat belt sign goes off. I look back. The cart is still in the aisle. Damn, hurry it up people! Then I look next to me – blocking the way to the aisle is now two very asleep gentlemen. Damn, I wish that was me. Well I guess I can’t pee because that would mean I have to wake both of them, and that’s just selfish.
The plane hits some turbulence. And the seat belt sign turns on. Don’t worry, Jay, there will be time later.
Okay, we’re stable, can you turn the seat belt sign off? Maybe the pilot forgot. Or maybe there’s more turbulence up ahead. Don’t be a smartass, Jay, they know what they’re doing.
Middle seat gentleman stirs awake. This would be the perfect time to go use the bathroom! Now I’m only waking one, not both gentlemen! Why is the seatbelt sign turned on?!
Middle seat gentleman goes back to sleep. Damn.
We begin our descend. Seat belt sign still on. Middle seat gentleman stirs again. This is my last chance before everyone needs to be seated for landing. Damn you illuminated buckle and metal flap!
I could do it. I could ask the attendant collecting the last bits of trash if I can run to the toilet even though the seat belt sign is on. I’m busting, so he’ll understand.
No, Jay, you can hold on until you land. We’re descending soon. Okay, just sit still and think of other things.
Seat belt sign is switched off then back on. “Please return your tray tables to-” damnit! It was meant to be off this whole time??
Why is this descent taking so long? I wonder what the airline staff would do if I just jumped out of my seat and dashed to the bathroom.
We’re passing through the clouds. Where’s the airport? Look for the airport, Jay. It doesn’t look like we’re getting any lower. Are the cars any bigger? I don’t think they are. Are we not actually descending?!
Oh god, how long does it take to taxi? Which gate are we going for? That one! Go pilot, come on and taxi!
Seat belt sign turns off. You can’t stop me now seat belt sign!
My seat belt is off. I’m standing. Why are the gentlemen not standing? I know we’re not quite getting off the plane yet, but stand up guys! Let’s move!
Inside the airport. Don’t panic, you’re not going to burst just yet. Look for the toilet. There! Across from me. Blocked by the travelators. Which way is quicker, left or right? I think left, let’s go left.
Left was a good choice. You’re on the home stretch!
Sweet. Sweet. Airport toilet relief.